The dream team university

(January 11, 2004)
(Updated June 17, 2005)

I propose a dream team in a dream university, a team that would make a splash in the academic world. Instead of staying in frigid Montreal, we intend to set it up in sunny Argentina, on the campus of Universidad de Moron.

Presenting Professor Alberto del Bimbo from the University of Firenze, Italy, a computer engineer.

Electrical Engineering will be covered by tubing specialist Dr. Murat Kunt from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology (EPFL) where, presently, he is Professor of Electrical Engineering and Director of the Signal Processing Laboratory.

Since Dr. Kunt's French is abysmal, we suggest hiring a professor of French, someone with the credentials of Dr. Jane Kuntz from the University of Illinois.

And we can't mention Jane Kuntz, without mentioning in the same sentence Professor Reinhardt Adolfo Fuck from the Institute of Geosciences at the University of Brasilia. The Fuck-Kuntz team has no equal on the American continent.

Jane will be able to practice her French also with our future Dean of Medicine, Dr. Martin Zizi, a well-known Belgian neurophysiologist who teaches at the Vrije Universiteit of Brussels and the Katholieke Universiteit of Leuven. If you think that size does not matter, wait until you have seen the expansive personality of Zizi.

The seminal Zizi-Wanker paper led us to complete the medical department by hiring Zizi's coauthor, Dr. Erich Wanker, a researcher from the Max-Planck institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, Germany.

The Faculty of Engineering will be built around Dr. Ammar Kaka, who teaches in the Department of Building Engineering at the University of Liverpool. His regularity is legendary.

To those who object to my suggestion of Kaka, I say Fuk Yu. I mean, the Faculty of Engineering's computer support network will thrive in the capable hands of Mr. Chik Fuk Yu Joe , who currently works in the Faculty of Information Technology of Monash University in Australia. No picture available yet!

We intend to build a Center for Environmental Studies, for which we hired Dr. Anil Kumar Dikshit from the Indian Institute of Technology of Bombay.

From the Laboratory for Waste Management at the Paul Scherrer Institute in Switzerland comes Belgian-born Dr. Jan Tits, the son of Abel prize winner Jacques Tits (Collè de France). In am sure Dikshit will be thrilled with Tits.

I will make a bold move for the Faculty of Science. The only scientist I know who has simultaneously published on mudskippers, the snakehead Channa asiatica, and the intestine of Bostrichthys sinensis, and the author of the masterpiece ``Tolerance and Excretion'' (Academic Press, 2001), Professor Chew Shit Fun, will have to be lured away from the National Institute of Education in Singapore to head our Faculty of Science.

From the University of Minnesota's Department of Cultural Studies and Comparative Literature comes Swiss-born internet specialist Dr. Peter Krapp.

But long before Krapp, we heard from Professor Saul Gass in Management Science and Statistics at the College of Business and Management, University of Maryland. He will join our statistics group. The quartet Gass-Krapp-Kaka-Shit Fun will be housed together in a carefully isolated sciences and engineering building. Smoking will not be allowed in the office of Professor Gass.

The Faculty of Arts will showcase Professor Dolly Pussi, an Argentine film maker, and Professor at and President of FEISAL, the Federación Latinoamericana de Escuelas de la Imagen y el Sonido.

Christopher Cock, a music professor from Valparaiso University, will join Pussi. For this occasion, we have created the Cock&Pussi Student Scholarship to support exceptionally talented violinists.

Professor Jan Assmann, a respected egyptologist from the University of Heidelberg, has agreed to organize summer study trips to look for mummies at the university's exploration site in Wadesdah. With Jan Tits, he will manage the Tits & Assmann Lecture Series, which will be held in the Del Bimbo Auditorium.

There was some controversy regarding our proposal to hire socio-economist and devouted callipygian, Dr. Gernot Grabher from the University of Bonn. In a webcast interview about Grabher Assmann wiggled out of a hairy situation by lauding the 1998 Grabher Kunt experiment which led to the paper Risky Intersections (to appear in Progress in Human Geography in 2006).


Luc Devroye
School of Computer Science
McGill University
Montreal, Canada H3A 2K6